A short history of recent moments in subway riding. All accounts are accurate. Dates are absolutely made up.
September 15, 2002
11:15 A.M.: A pigeon walks onto the 1 train at 242nd street and gets off at 215th street. What a lazy feathery sack of bird shit.
April 20, 2003
5:30 P.M.: During afternoon rush hour, a stranger gains access to the p.a. system. “We are on 140 motha-fuckin 5th street. Eat my motha-fuckin dick.” Everyone laughs, except three tourists from the midwest.
September 3, 2003
11:35 P.M.: I stole a Chappelle’s Show subway poster. It hung in my dorm room for two years.
November 10, 2003
6:25 P.M.: It was a busy night. First, there was a three piece mariachi band, then a woman trying to sell batteries in plastic wrap, then a stuttering guy insisted on telling me a Michael Jackson joke, “What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? Hey! Get out of my sun.”
December 11, 2003
4:00 A.M.: Friend goes in-between cars to smoke a cigarette. Decides to stay in-between cars for duration of half hour trip. Every time the subway door opens, we hear snippets of a heartfelt rendition of Jessie’s girl.
July 10, 2003
10:00 A.M.: Skinny girl, glances mistakingly at fat girl on the 6 train. Fat girl responds, “Don’t look at me bitch, I got grandkids older than you.” Skinny girl gets up and punches fat girl right in the face. A geeky guy wearing cargo shorts with a tucked in polo shirt frantically hits the red emergency button to report the melee. I laugh.
May 5, 2004
8:00 P.M.: While sitting on the couch eating UTZ snack mix, a female friend tells me about guy across from her on a train, who placed his penis out of his pants. She is mortified, nothing happens to the guy.
August 2004 – June 2005
I leave New York City for a really long time
October 23, 2005
1:10 A.M.: Getting sleepy, I accidentally pass out on the 1 train for 100 blocks. I wake up surrounded by four rather large woman. Nextel walkie-talkies were on the brink of extinction, until a muffled voice woke me from a Bud Ice induced fog. “Who you with, where you at?” “I said, who you with, where you at?” Groggily, I waited for the woman to hit the respond, leaned over and chimed in, “SHE’S WITH ME!” I made four friends that night and one great big enemy.
January 7, 2006
2:00 A.M.: My friend receives a birthday card from his sister with a $100 bill. As a group, we leave the bar and head back uptown. No longer able to hold his bladder, my friend wanders in-between subway cars to pee. A man approaches him and shows a police badge. They get off at the next stop; we forget about him. Man shows him a gun and demands money. Friend now realizes it was a fake badge. Man takes birthday money and hands him back the card. Friend waits 50 minutes for next train.
February 2008 – September 2010
Giants win Super Bowl 42, and again, I leave New York City for a really long time.
January 13, 2011
Time unknown: Homeless man falls asleep on subway and rat crawls on his face: Ewwww!
June 17, 2045
11:15 A.M.: Pervert hangs dong on crowded subway- becomes saddened when repulsive act goes unnoticed because straphangers are occupied with I-Pod 40, and 3-D sunglasses with built in TV. Fed up by the lack of attention, the man becomes frustrated and decides to steal everyones wallet instead.
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